In this post is a lot of pain and candidness. Through this, I want someone to find hope. This is why I write.
It’s happened again. I’ve lost another friend. It’s really not like I’m surprised. It was bound to happen again sooner or later. I tend to use ineffective ways to cope with my intense emotions. Because of this I ended up hurting someone I care about. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never mean to hurt anyone. It feels like it’s impossible to make others understand that. How can you possibly treat complete strangers better than your friends?
My thoughts are racing. I can’t shut them off. I know that thoughts are not facts or feelings, but right now it’s very hard to keep them separate. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. I feel hopeless. When I lost Tim as a friend, I vowed I would never hurt the ones I love ever again. I guess I’m not capable of doing that.
I have worked so hard the past three years to develop self-compassion and love for myself. And yet I continue to risk it all by continuing to do these behaviors. I use them to cover up intense thoughts and feelings. I know I always end up feeling worse after, but wanting a “break” from everything always outweighs the consequences when I’m in the moment. It’s like I’m addicted. I can’t stop. I can’t help it. And even now as I reread that I’m thinking that’s just a cop-out. I’m using my BPD as an excuse. No one likes excuses.
What’s the point of having friends? I’d much rather be lonely for the rest of my life than to continue to hurt the ones I love.
My Daily Life with BPD 
Jul 11, 2011 @ 11:11:42
Over the last few months I have been trying to get somewhat of an understanding of how daily life is perceived by my BPD friend (who is unaware of having this disorder) and how I can support her and maintain a friendship with someone who was dealt an unfortunate deck of cards to play the game of life. I feel the stories of BPDs are much more helpful than the often stigmatized information and biased opinions from non-BPDs. You’re a great writer and I really appreciate the time you have taken to share your world. I really hope you will continue to write more on a regular basis because it has been very helpful for me.
I am of course wondering what happened between 7-31-2010 and 7-8-2011, but in the end I am just relieved to see that you’re back online again.
Jul 26, 2011 @ 07:05:41
Thanks so much for your comment Mat! I took a break from writing for a while. I go through these periods where I am constantly writing, and then I get too busy and stop. I actually went to college in the Fall to get my Associate’s degree in Behavioral Health and Human Services. My long-term goal is to graduate and eventually counsel others with BPD. As you can see, I still have a long way to go, but I did complete one year of the program with Honors, so I am very proud of what I have accomplished! I do plan to write what happened right after I was diagnosed and share my experience in DBT counseling.
I hope that your friend will get help soon. At first I didn’t want help even though I knew I needed it. It’s the very first step to the healing process – seeking help. She is very fortunate to have you as a friend! One of the reasons why I do write this blog is to help others understand what life is like with BPD. I am grateful that I am helping others through my experience. This is what I strive to do every day! ❤