Ramblings of a Borderline

I’m free-writing right now. It’s something I do to cope.

I have a really hard time getting over losing friends. I feel guilt and shame, and a lot of anger right now… I feel like my emotions are out of control. I want to say to them what’s on my mind so bad right now, but I can’t. Part of me wants them to see me hurting and feel shitty for knowing they caused it. It’s some sick and twisted thrill.

I want friends who are going to love me no matter what and not unfriend me the second I fuck up. I want friends I can trust. Right now I don’t feel like I can trust anyone. I want to confront these people and say what I wanna say, but I know that won’t be what’s best for me.

I’ve been dealing with this internally for the past month now. Why can’t I get over it? Why do I keep on having toxic friendships? I feel so helpless. This is who I am and I’m never going to be any different. There’s no reason to even try. You wanna know what Borderline Personality Disorder looks like? Just look at me. It’s a nightmare I can never wake up from. It’s a daily struggle every day to not be like this. When I’m like this, I hurt the ones I love. Part of me wants to hurt them, cause then they won’t have a chance to hurt me first. But I love my friends. And it breaks my heart when I hurt them. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about Tim and what I did to him. How can I expect people to accept me for who I am if I can’t accept myself? I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to do that.

I wish people would get it! Unless you have Borderline, you will never understand how much it hurts. And even though that’s hard, I wouldn’t wish this disorder on my worst enemy. Part of me feels dead inside. I let it die, cause I didn’t want to feel this way. Now that I’m dealing with everything, that part of me is coming alive again. But that means that everything surfaces. It’s like I’m this caged monster that desperately wants freedom, but as soon as that door is open, i go hide in the corner.

I guess I don’t know what I want. Well, I do. I want happiness! And yes, I know that life sucks and it isn’t fair and pain is a part of the human condition. But what I’m experiencing isn’t healthy or normal. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. The only way to not suffer though, is to radically accept everything. Yes there will still be pain, but I won’t be suffering. I thought I had accepted everything. It’s easier to accept life when everything is going well. July hasn’t been going well, and so my BPD is flaring up big time! I feel like no skills can help me. I just have to go out into the world and pretend that everything’s okay. That’s the only way people will love me.